I'm Done.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve dealt with a series of (mostly) financial blows that have tested the (mostly) optimistic, chill person that I’ve worked hard to become over the years...

More of this. Less of everything else.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve also watched myself slip back into my baseline cycle of being. A cycle that was crafted by genetics and early childhood experiences. A cycle that helped me cope when the world felt uncertain or unsafe. Here’s how it goes: Unexpected event happens. I become Anxious. Then Borderline depressed. Then I Crash. Then, back to Anxious again. Rinse and repeat. My own personal ABCs. Sometimes these cycles last for a few hours, other times, days or weeks.

Somewhere in the middle of this latest cycle, I had an out-of-body experience. I saw myself curled up on the couch, staring off into space - the Borderline depressed stage - and I couldn’t help but shake my head. I know, deeply know, that life has and will continue to throw the unexpected at me. And still – after 43 years – this is my response? I decided there and then, once and for all, for as much as I can help it, I’m not doing this sh*t anymore. I’m done.

Elizabeth Gilbert once said “I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.” And, in that moment, I finally got tired of mine.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this story in my head that there’s a limit of how much I can achieve – especially financially – on my own doing the things I enjoy doing. I’ve told myself there are only 3 options:

1. Sell my soul to be financially set for life (never going to happen).

2. Say “fuck it” and enjoy my life while financial instability looms over my head.

3. Find some sort of hybrid where I work a “good enough” job to have a “good enough” life.

As of 5 days ago, I decided none of those options are good enough anymore. It’s time to make some very real, consistent and lasting changes. Time - and my life - are ticking away. I can’t just settle. Especially without a fight. It’s a strange time to feel ambitious, given what’s happening across our nation and the world, but it’s never been up to me on when and how my life shifts course. Like the phoenix, sometimes – often when we least expect it - we have to burn the old version of ourselves to the ground so the new, beautiful, raw and ready parts can finally rise up.

I have no idea where this is all going to lead, but it’s sure to be one hell of a ride.

That should do it for now…

Wishing You Waves for Days,

K